Valentines Translation Code

This time of year reminds all of us singletons of that very fact. It’s the run up to Valentines Day, and there are bright red glittery cards filled with smushy sentiments, and big teddy bears that apparently accurately embody how much you care for your partner, everywhere.

There is no hiding from the big disgusting loveathon, and if you are single, it is rubbish. The most sensible thing to do is get a load of similarly single friends round, and relish the fact you don’t have to worry about all the things a partner would nag about, like drinking too much, eating garlic bread, or not immediately clearing up afterwards.

Others of us opt for a different reaction, and that is to look for love in the two ways that don’t involve having to actually talk to people face-to-face: Online dating, or posting/replying to a lonely hearts advert in the paper.

So here is what I call ‘The Cynics Guide’ to sifting through profiles and adverts, and doubles as how your words might be interpreted if you have chosen any of these:

The Cynics Guide to Romantic Advertisement

Solvent = The bailiffs haven’t been round for a while and I suspect they may have forgotten about me.

GSOH = I think I’m hilarious, others tend to disagree.

Likes romantic strolls and cosy nights in = I will say anything to get you into bed.

Looking for no strings attached fun = I have a wife/husband.

Discretion assured = And I’m not fussy if you have a wife/husband.

I love cats = I put people off with my love of cats.

Very good looking = Arrogant.

6ft and fun = Appearance not worth mentioning.

Peitite = You will have trouble seeing me.

Mature = Old.

Broadminded = Bondage.

Curvy = Overweight.

Eager to please = Am used to being treated badly, please continue to do so.

Age/looks unimportant = Not fussy.

Tactile = I make my work colleagues uncomfortable by having no concept of personal space.

Looking for LTR (Long Term Relationship) = Clingy.

Looking for friendship, maybe more = Very cautious, have been hurt before.

2 Children = You will never come first, and I’m very busy.

Honest/reliable = More used to writing ads for cars than self

Likes collecting unusual items = Archaeologist/Antique dealer/Serial killer.

Outgoing = Parties hard, probably prefers alcohol to people.

Loving, but a bit of a dreamer = Not very smart

Seeks sensitive male = Unrealistic

Seeks warm, caring female = Would like someone to cook my dinners and wash my clothes.

Seeks a woman with no hang-ups = Never keeps a woman for obvious tact related reasons.

ACA (All Correspondence Answered) = Desperate and have a lot of spare time.